


As If I'm Becoming Untouchable

by DevynGreenwood



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Loki-centric, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Postpartum Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-12 02:17:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7916560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DevynGreenwood/pseuds/DevynGreenwood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After having his first child with Tony, Loki feels trapped in postpartum depression.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As If I'm Becoming Untouchable

**Author's Note:**

> As I have never suffered from the mental health issue of postpartum depression, my portrayal might be somewhat inaccurate. I struggle with depression, so I tried basing it off of that and added in what I knew. I don't mean to offend people who might have had postpartum depression.

Though he hated to think about it, Loki felt domesticated. After he started living with Tony Stark as spouses, the mechanic's Avengers began to treat him like an eccentric neighbor instead of a formidable enemy. Instead of being fearful or furious in his presence, they were merely awkward but civil. Even Clint Barton didn't seem to care when his former master was around him anymore. Loki wasn't sure if those were good things or bad things.

Now, Loki sat on Tony's bed with his husband beside him. He had his hand resting on his pregnant middle while Tony told the developing life funny stories. Loki didn't mind that - if Tony was going to talk on and on, at least it wasn't to him. Though he laughed at most of his jokes, Loki, like everyone else, grew tired of the fast talking the mechanic did and needed a break. Those breaks came when he felt his baby kick. Tony always went silent in awe and tried to feel the kicks when they happened.

Tony couldn't complain very much about Loki's pregnancy. He had expected him to be hell on earth, but he thought Loki was acting more like a mother cat. Loki was oddly quiet and protective of his child without being paranoid. He spoke calmly and often hugged Tony just because. After the reveal of the child’s gender, Loki couldn’t stop smiling for a good hour after the ultrasound. The sight and Loki’s elated smile were enough to make Tony nearly melt.

“We still haven’t figured out a name,” Tony remarked. “You’re really far along, we should come up with some.

“Really far along?” Loki laughed. “I know, Tony. I’m huge. But that’s your fault. Hmm… how about Ingvar, or Jorn, or Niklas?”

“Niklas is actually a good name for our little boy,” Tony said with a smile.

“Then he shall be Niklas,” Loki replied, matching his husband’s smile.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Loki went into labor while Tony was out at a public relations gala. The pain made tears come to his eyes, mixing with the tears he cried for the lack of his husband. It was three hours of immense pain in his shared bed before Tony finally got home.

“Hey, Loki, I- Loki, what’s going on? Are you hurt?” Tony asked frantically, rushing into the bedroom. “You sound like you’re in a lot of-”

“I’m in labor, you idiot!” Loki snapped. “And you haven’t been here to help me through it because of a stupid party. It’s been three hours since it started.”

Tony felt a punch of guilt and rushed over. “I’m so sorry. I’m going to call Bruce, he’s a doctor.”

“You- you’re going to ask him to serve as a midwife?!” Loki exclaimed. “He nearly killed me!”

“I know. But we can’t take you to the hospital, they won’t know what to do,” Tony said. “They’re not familiar with Jotun anatomy.”

His heart pounding too fast for comfort, Tony dialed Bruce Banner’s number.

“Hey, Tony, what’s up?” Bruce answered.

“Loki’s in labor. Remember the thing I told you about the anatomy of frost giants? That applies here,” Tony said in a shaky voice. “Don’t freak out.”

“I’ll be right over.”

A couple minutes later, Bruce came in and went to the side of the bed.

“Loki, I’m not going to hurt you or your child,” the doctor said. “I’m here to help.”

“Just don’t turn green, please,” Loki muttered.

The following seven hours were a dizzying nightmare for Loki. He had never felt pain so intense, and being alone when it started was painful in itself. After another hour of agony and stress, he finally brought a newborn baby into the world.

Looking at the newborn, Loki had a feeling his child was going to look a lot like Tony. He had fuzzy brown wisps of hair, perceptive and bright eyes, and smooth skin.

“Niklas looks like you already,” Loki said with a beam. He gently gave the baby to Tony while he got the afterbirth out.

Bruce had cut the cord and cleaned the child up already, so Niklas was clean and soft in his father’s arms. Without even thinking about it, Tony found himself holding him close to his chest and rocking him.

“We love you, little Niklas,” Tony said with a smile that Loki returned.

The next few days afterward, everything appeared to be fine. Loki, though still tired from labor, cradled Niklas, fed him regularly, and dressed him while Tony changed the newborn’s diapers and talked to him. However, as those few days changed into weeks, Tony couldn’t help but notice how Loki didn’t smile, laugh, or even look content. He chalked it up to the common “baby blues” new mothers often experienced, and he didn’t think much of it after that.

Three weeks afterward, Loki’s emotional state hadn’t improved. If anything, Tony saw it get worse and worse. Loki went from looking sad to being teary-eyed or annoyed most of the day. His coos to Niklas changed to a curt, stern manner of speaking, and now the god hadn’t smiled since the birth.

Perhaps the worst thing about motherhood for Loki was the requirement for patience. He swore he was losing a piece of his mind every time he heard Niklas crying. The child did not nurse well, cried often, spat up, and tugged on Loki’s hair _hard._ His sobs turned into Loki’s most hated sound. As much as he hated to admit it, Loki could not find the strength in himself to love his own son.

After hearing Loki talk to Niklas bitterly, Tony knew he had to have a talk with his husband. He caught Loki the next day when the child was asleep and the god was reading in bed. The torn, completely distraught look on Loki’s face threatened to break his heart.

“Loki, you haven’t been acting like yourself lately,” Tony said. “Is everything okay? Because from what I see and hear, it looks like it’s not. You’re not eating enough, you never smile, you don’t laugh anymore, you don’t - you’re not acting like the Loki I know.”

Loki turned his head to face Tony. One could see from just his face that he was getting even thinner - the baby weight had gone completely and now his body was shedding more after that. His eyes were glassy and seemed to have trouble focusing.

“Tony, I am fine,” Loki said, lying through his teeth. “You have nothing to worry about.”

“I have nothing to worry about?” Tony repeated in disbelief. “Nothing’s okay from what I see. Please, just talk to me about everything.”

“I do not wish to talk about the child,” Loki replied.

Tony blanched and sputtered the beginnings of words until he was able to speak a sentence. “The child? His name is Niklas. He’s your son, he’s _our_ son. Please treat him as such. You just referred to him as - god, I feel sick.”

“Then you are in similar company. Tony, have you no idea how stressful motherhood is? Your stubbornness took form in him and it’s making it even more stressful. He bites me when I nurse him, he cries at the drop of a pin, he spits up on me, he pulls my hair, he doesn’t sleep throughout the night, and -”

“You just said that you’re fine. Loki, you’re lying to yourself. This isn’t just baby blues, it’s gone on too long to be that. You very well could be having some postpartum-”

“I do not have that!” Loki snapped, so suddenly that Tony flinched.  


“Exhibit A here-”

“Shut up! Just leave me alone. You know what I’ll do? I’ll take him on a walk in that damn red and gold stroller you built. That’s what good mothers do, right? I’m a good mother, right?”

Before Tony could stop him, a crying Loki took his son, put him in the flashy stroller, and went out with him.

The walk was the most soothing period of time Loki had gotten in what felt like ages. Niklas was asleep, so quiet that Loki could pretend there wasn’t even a child in the stroller. He did just that.

When Loki returned, Tony was in his bed binge-watching Netflix shows. He took Niklas out of the stroller, carried him to his crib, and lay him down in it. However, he didn’t say a word until he came to Tony.

“I took him on a walk and he’s sleeping now,” Loki said, so monotonously that it made Tony cringe. “See, I’m fine.”

Tony sighed for the umpteenth time that day and ran his hand through his hair. “Loki, when you insist that you’re fine, you really just show more and more that you’re not.”

“You’re not a psychologist,” Loki replied.

“I’m not, but that doesn’t mean I can’t see through your illusions. Most of the illusions you create are the ones that can’t be seen.”

“What is that supposed to- if you’re so unhappy with me, why do you stay here?!”

“I’m not unhappy with _you,_ I’m unhappy with the state of things. I want to make things better. And if it means getting you to a doctor, I’ll-”

 

Loki walked right out, slamming the door behind him. He locked himself in the guest room and broke down in tears.

“I was never meant to be a mother, not even to monsters,” he said to himself. He lay down and tried to fall asleep, if only to escape from life for a little while.

Over the following few days, Loki started to have auditory and visual hallucinations along with more irritability. Tony noticed when his husband would try to touch something but his fingers would meet thin air, but he didn’t bring it up in fear Loki would react badly.

“Loki, are you okay?” Tony asked innocently when the god tried to wave a hallucination of black smoke away.  


“Yes,” Loki answered a bit too quickly. To avoid further questioning, he went to the nursery - _like a good mother,_ he thought.

Loki put on his usual fake smile and changed and fed Niklas. However, the child seemed to be in a bad mood - he kept crying for seemingly no reason.

“Why are you crying?” Loki said, picking his son up. “I just fed and changed you. If you wanted to play, you should have cried for your father. I can’t play with you.”

Niklas’s tears kept coming and Loki felt a mass of anger in his chest grow and grow. He rocked him and attempted to be loving, but Niklas still kept crying.

“Stop crying,” Loki grit out. He was shaking from anger but his guilt kept him in the room.

After a few minutes of more sniveling, Loki couldn’t take it anymore.

“I said stop!” Loki snapped, and without thinking, hit Niklas hard.

Niklas’s cries turned into sobs and screams. Tony heard and rushed over. Loki’s eyes widened and the mechanic went pale at the scene before him. His child - _their_ child was wailing with a deep purple bruise blossoming on his shoulder.

“Loki- how- how could you?!” Tony cried, looking ready to sob himself. Loki blanched and stumbled backwards away from the crib.

“I-I- I didn’t mean to! Please, Tony, I didn’t mean to!” Loki exclaimed. “I just- I snapped- I didn’t want to do it, I wasn’t thinking and I snapped. Tony, please don’t-”

“I’ll call Bruce.”

“Tony, wait- I’m sorry!”

Loki pulled on Tony’s sleeve in an attempt to stop the mechanic from reaching his phone outside the nursery. Tony shook his head and tried not to break down.

“Bruce, I need you over here to supervise Loki while I arrange a medical wing visit,” Tony choked out.

“What happened?” Bruce asked over the line. “Is he in danger right now?”

“No. Our child is.”

Tony hung up and within the span of two minutes, Bruce passed clearance and hurried in.  


“Tony, please tell me nothing’s on-” the doctor started, but he cut himself off when he saw the scene before him. “Loki! What the hell did you do?!”

Somehow, Loki grew even paler and began to shake more violently. “Banner, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, I just - the smoke was everywhere, h-he wouldn’t stop crying, there was blood all over my hands-”

Bruce glanced at Loki’s hands and found they weren’t covered in anything but horrified sweat. He swallowed hard and began to act as if Loki were an aggressive dog.

“Loki, you’re hallucinating,” Bruce said in the softest voice he could manage, slowly backing away. “There’s no blood, and I don’t smell or see smoke. How long has this been happening?”

“What do you mean?” Loki asked. “I’m fine.”

Bruce sighed heavily and put a hand on his forehead, shaking his head. “I guess you really are the god of lies. Please, you need help. You can’t run from this, it will only get worse.”

The door swung open and Tony entered. He reluctantly made his way to the nursery to see Bruce pacifying Loki - or at least attempting to.

When Loki saw Tony, he flinched as if the mechanic had just thrown something. The primal fear in his eyes caused Tony’s chest to ache even more.

“Come with me,” Tony said. “Please.”

“Why should I come with you? You cut me!” Loki replied. Tony’s heart sank further.

“You’re detached from reality,” the mechanic choked out.

Loki was about to yell and give Tony what for, but there was a sudden rustle of clothing and a gloved hand gave off blue electricity to the god’s neck. He collapsed instantly. Another rustle and the owner of the hand was gone.

Tony had to take a few seconds to process what had just happened. When he did, he sighed again, though this time in relief.

“Thanks, Natasha,” he said, though the assassin was nowhere in sight. With Loki knocked out, Tony lifted Loki’s too-light frame and carried her to the medical wing of the tower.

*************************************************************************************************  
When Loki woke to a bright white light, he thought he had died. He gave a huff and attempted to move, but he found he was restrained by strong black straps. Too emotionally weak to even try escaping, he accepted it and closed his eyes. His eyes were only closed for a moment when he heard voices coming from the hall and through the door. They were muffled, of course, but he did his best to understand what the speakers were saying.

“Postpartum depression, postpartum psychosis - I think Laufeyson is suffering from both,” a man said. “We’ll need to stabilize him with some temporary antipsychotics. We don’t know much about Asgardian physiology however, so be careful, Mark. Any sign of EPSE and you call me right away. I’ve dealt with that reaction many times before.”

“Should we let his partner visit him right now?” a younger-sounding voice asked, and through Loki’s clouded thoughts, the god figured it was Mark. “Or should we wait?”

“By his vitals, particularly his heart rate, it appears that he is in a calm state,” the other man said. “I believe we can let Mr. Stark in, but please ask Nurse Sarah to stay near the door. As you may have heard, she is excellent at stopping conflict before it gets serious.”

A minute or two passed - Loki was not sure - and familiar footsteps came to his bed. He looked up through bleary eyes and saw Tony standing there.

“Loki, can you hear me?” Tony asked, and the sound of his choked-up voice made Loki’s heart sink. “I don’t know if you’re even seeing me right now.”

“What do you mean by that?” Loki rasped. His voice was strained from guilt and stress. “I can see you. Where’s Niklas? I-is he alright? After what I-”

“Niklas is in Natasha’s care,” Tony answered. The god raised an eyebrow, so he continued to speak. “She knocked you out with her widow bites so we could get you help, and I let her take care of Niklas until everything was okay again. If everything will even be okay…”

Loki swallowed hard and looked away from Tony, not wanting to show the tears in his eyes. “So an assassin is less of a danger to our child than I am.”

“Loki, don’t think like that. Whatever part of you that hit Niklas… that wasn’t you,” Tony said. “The doctors and nurses here say that you have postpartum psychosis along with postpartum depression. You were hallucinating, I saw you stare at thin air and try to get rid of things that weren’t even real. You said there was smoke and blood everywhere, and for some reason you have this delusion that I cut you.”

Loki went into tears, turning his whole body away from Tony. He didn’t want his partner to see how far he had fallen.

“It’s okay,” Tony tried to assure Loki, but he realized only a second later that his words were a mistake.  


“It’s not okay!” Loki snapped. “I ruined your life. I ruined our child’s life. I was so obsessed with the idea of being a perfect mother that I lost whatever was left of my mind. Good mothers would read to their children, change them, feed them, hold them, soothe their tears - I did none of that. I treated Niklas like he had personally done me wrong. You had to be the one to show him love, because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I treated him like he was a mistake.

“I blamed him for everything. My appearance, my depressed mood, the pain from feeding him, my sleepless nights, all of that I blamed on him. He deserves better. Tony, please, take good care of him. I can’t be near him, I’m a danger to him. I don’t want to hurt him again. Find someone to help you, give him the mother he needs, give-”

“I’m not leaving you,” Tony said. “We can work this out. Together.”

“You’ve lost your mind too,” Loki replied. “You still want to be with me.”

Tony sighed. “That does not mean I’m mad. It means I’m willing to make things better.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Tony wrapped Loki in his arms and for the first time in far too long, Loki couldn’t have felt more comforted.


End file.
